Marriage In the Raw: Sex, Conflict, and Other Stuff That Helped Us Make It To Twenty Years

Kent Murawski

What does it take to have a great marriage? While we haven’t always had a great marriage (I share some of those stories in this post), I can honestly say we do now. Here are some of the secrets that have helped us

Kent and Gina’s Wedding Photo from May 6, 2000

On May 6, 2020, Gina and I celebrated 20 years of marriage. We are having a “quarantine anniversary celebration” (it happens to be during the COVID-19 Pandemic) which means: kids in bed early and I’m grilling steak and fish. We hope to take a trip…alone in August, but for now it will have to do!

Though we’ve got a long way to go (we want to celebrate our Golden Anniversary), making it to twenty years isn’t easy considering the average marriage in America lasts just eight years and only half of first marriages make it to twenty years.

If you’ll allow me, I would like to share a little tribute to my wife and a few of the secrets that have helped us make it to twenty years.

Marry the right person!

Jackson Brown Jr. said, “Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.”

Ain’t that the truth.

It’s all downhill from there. Though that one bit of advice won’t guarantee a great marriage, without it you are fighting a losing battle. I could do a whole post on choosing the right person, but I will save that for another day. For now I will just say pray, pray, pray and make sure you both have peace from God on this as well as the input of married mentors with good marriages who have been married for an adequate amount of time.

A Tribute to My Wife

As much as I would like to tell you all the things I did right to ensure we would have a lasting and healthy marriage (though it hasn’t always been that way), I attribute much of our success in marriage thus far to my wife, Gina.

Gina, you are the kindest, most intuitive, most resilient person I know. Without your self-sacrifice, perseverance, and genuine love, I don’t think we would be happily married today and possibly not married at all!

Fighting Fair

Though God did bring us together in a clear and unmistakable way (another story for another time), ours is not a fairy tale story of happily ever after since the wedding day. Personally, I have a really hard time relating to people who say they never fight, and marriage has all been peaches and cream.

I recently heard one of those stories on a podcast. I shut it off.

If you don’t ever fight, and you have a healthy marriage, I’m glad for you. I truly am. But I’m probably not for you.

For two children of divorced parents who didn’t really understand how to communicate in a healthy manner, fighting was a reality, especially early on. In the early days, I fought to win, but now I fight for our marriage. When you fight fair and fight for your marriage, arguments can actually be healthy. For someone like me who is an “8” on the Enneagram (like me), a confrontation is a form of intimacy that is actually a sign that the other person is engaged. But there are other benefits to fighting fair as well. When you fight fair, you can show your children how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner.

Our Journey

It was during year 7 that we began marital counseling, and I wish we would have started the moment we got married! It took an eye-opening event and a lashing from a mentor at the time to realize I needed help with my anger problem, and we needed help in our marriage (largely due to my own issues but she had a few of her own as well). To her credit, my wife hung in there when she didn’t have to, through my angry outbursts, hurtful words, and intimidation.

For that, I am forever grateful.

Though I have many faults, one of my strengths is a heart that has always been brutally honest with myself and completely surrendered to Jesus. Therefore, I was willing to take responsibility for my shortcomings and take the initiative to get the help I needed with my anger and the help we needed in our marriage. It was the first step on a long road to health.

There is a lot that happened during years 8-15 including moving to Boston to start a church, having our third child, and going through some of the most painful and difficult years of our lives. These years shaped us and formed us into the people we are today, but I don’t have time to tell you all those stories.

Fast forward to year 16. We were seven years into church planting, in deep with three kids, and were facing a slew of financial challenges. Though our marriage seemed “OK”, neither of us were willing to settle “OK”, and though we weren’t in crisis, it felt like we needed a tune-up. So, we went back for round two of marital counseling. It was during this time that we arrived at some significant revelations about ourselves and our marriage, learned to communicate in a healthier manner, and everything went to another level.

I can honestly say the last five years have been the most healthy and fruitful in our marriage thus far. Apart from choosing the right spouse, and direct help from God, here are seven of the most important things we have learned along the way that will be helpful to you. A few of them have to do with faith. If that’s not you, feel free to skip over them.

1) “Marriage was designed to make us holy more than to make us happy.” (Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage ). It’s not that we shouldn’t be happy in marriage, it’s that we find true happiness when we become more like Christ. In the end, God uses relationships – almost more than anything else – to mold us into His image and grind the rough edges off our character.

2) Conflict sucks but use it to your advantage. Conflict resolution is hard. Stating things in a way that is not accusatory really helped us. Instead of “You did this and it made me feel this way” try this: I felt__________when you__________. It takes the emphasis off them and puts it on how you felt rather than what you think they did. Instead of “you did this” or “you did that”, starting with “I” causes people to let down their guard. Beyone that, if things get heated and you need to take a break, then take a break! But make sure you come back to it after an agreed-upon amount of time so you don’t leave it hanging forever. Another communication technique that is really helpful is called reflective listening. Basically you want to hear and understand what the other person is communicating through words, tone, and body language and respond back to them something like this, “This is what I’m hearing you say, do I have that right?” In doing so, miscommunications and misunderstandings will be minimized, and they will actually feel heard in the process. It also causes you to as the listener to engage more fully because you know you are going to need to share with them what you heard!

3) Have sex regularly and “just show up”. When it comes to marriage, sex isn’t the most important, but it’s certainly in the top 3-5! With three kids and both of us working (often multiple jobs) it can be hard to be consistent, but this really helped us. In my mind, once per week is the minimum and to do that you need to think through your spouse when are the best times for that. My suggestion would be to plan a weekly time and then if it happens spontaneously it’s a bonus! Our counselor’s advice was when you get there “Just show up!” In other words, put no other expectations on each for that time other than to show up. You are there together and you are both naked. That should be enough. Take off all other expectations you’ve played up in your mind of what that time should be. Of course, there is a lot more that goes into a healthy sex life, but this was a game-changer for us.

4) Don’t shut up. Talk every day if you can. Most researchers say you need at least twenty minutes of daily communication to have a healthy relationship. Common guys, you can tune-in to her for twenty minutes. During that time, shut off your phone, remove distractions, and practice reflective listening: “This is what I hear you saying. Is that right?”

5) The couple that prays together stays together. It sounds cliché but it’s true. We’ve had ebbs and flows when it comes to praying together regularly, but a healthy prayer life is actually a sign that other things are working well. When we aren’t communicating well, and we’re not getting along, we have a very hard time praying together… until we get it right. Additionally, we believe there is a very real and direct attack against marriage because it is a physical representation of the spiritual reality between Christ and His Church. That’s why we pray with and for one another. The truth is we wouldn’t have made it very far without God. For us, God is not a compartment of our lives. He is the center of everything – including our marriage. You’ve probably heard it at weddings but it’s worth repeating this thought by Solomon uttered in the book of Ecclesiastes, “ Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Without God at the center, I don’t think we would have made it past year seven or eight. Believing God brought us together, praying together, having His power and help, and the conviction that marriage is a life-long monogamous relationship was the glue that held us together.

6) Pursue her like you did before you were married. Admittedly, I need to up my game in this. Men, remember how you pursued your wife before you were married? Don’t stop! Your wife wants to be pursued. When life gets busy and full, this can be a tough one, but it’s worth it. If you can’t afford a babysitter or don’t have one be creative! Trust me I know, we’ve lived on a pastors salary in Boston – one of the most expensive places in the United States. And yet we’ve always found creative ways to date. It could be as simple as a walk, coffee, or sending the kids to bed early so you can watch a movie and have dinner together…alone! We have done dates monthly, every other week, and in certain seasons every week, but usually it’s every other week for a date. Beyond that, we also try to take a yearly time away. I know some people recommend more, but we don’t necessarily have someone to watch our children more often and they are not old enough yet to stay home alone overnight. So, we take what we can get.

7) You need help so you may as well get it now! The time for pride is over. Most people err on the side of waiting too long, but why not step up to the plate and get the help you need before you find yourselves in a crisis? Your pride is a small price to pay if it means having a healthy marriage! Also, don’t be afraid to go back for a tune-up from time to time. Like a car, your marriage needs a tune-up from time to time to run well. A good Bible-based counselor and good mentors will go a long way. Never be afraid to ask for help.

A Three-fold Cord

There is a lot more I could share from being married for twenty years, but those are a few things that have been crucial on our path to a healthy marriage. We still have a long way to go, but we are more committed than ever to being on the journey together and not having a good marriage but having a great one.

Here’s to the next twenty years and beyond.

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#2: The 24 Hour Habit That Can Change Everything

By Kent Murawski • August 26, 2025

A few weeks ago, I told you about Brandon —the CEO who went from 15-hour days to 4-hour days without his company suffering. But I never told you how he got there. Brandon hadn't taken a real day off in 5 or 6 years. He had so much work to do, he felt he would be buried if he took a day off. So I told him about the ancient Jewish practice of Sabbath—a twenty-four-hour period of rest that begins at sundown on Friday and ends at sundown on Saturday. I encouraged him to start with a shorter period, from sundown until noon the next day, but when he learned that it began in the evening, something clicked for him. He wanted to do it from 6 p.m. on Friday until 6 p.m. on Saturday, which left him some time on Saturday evening to do some work. Week 1 went great! He did something fun for himself, spent time with his family, rested, and walked. After 2-3 months of doing this, something shifted, and he began to feel differently and see from a new perspective. Work no longer stressed him out, and he was enjoying life again! As one commenter said when I posted about this on LinkedIn, "The breakthrough isn't just working fewer hours, but creating intentional rhythms that let creativity, focus, and energy align." Here’s the hard truth Brandon learned: your business (life, job, you fill in the blank) will survive one day without you. Honestly, there was no logical explanation for it. It doesn't really make sense. Such a small shift with massive results. How did that happen? The Rest Dilemma You see, most leaders don't know what rest is or how to rest. Is it sleep, watching Netflix, sitting in a hammock, or reading a book under a tree? Sometimes. Furthermore, how do you even know when you’re truly rested? It’s different for everyone, but the opposite of rest is burnout or overwhelm. Here's how I define burnout and overwhelm: A state of Relational, Emotional/mental, Spiritual, and Physical exhaustion and depletion. It can be one, two, or all of them at once. Together, those four areas make up wholeness. Thrive in those four areas and you will become more whole; if not, you will be depleted and exhausted. But that's still too abstract for most busy leaders. That's exactly why I developed a concrete framework. I call it the Rhythms of REST ℠. More on that next time. Your Rhythms Check This is about your Spiritual rhythms —the practices and beliefs that ground you in something greater than your daily tasks and give your life meaning beyond your next achievement. But it’s also very practical. If you don't create intentional rhythms of rest…you'll continue the exhausting cycle of working harder to solve problems that require you to work smarter, leading to burnout and decreased effectiveness. But if you establish one consistent rhythm of rest...you'll discover what Brandon found—that stepping back actually propels you forward with greater clarity, creativity, and sustainable energy. Believe it or not, a day of real rest every week can determine whether you're running on empty or operating from a place of renewal. This week's rhythm: Block out 24 hours this week (12 if you can’t start there) where you completely disconnect from work. No emails, no "quick checks," no exceptions. What would have to be true for you to trust that taking 24 hours completely off work wouldn't bury you? Until next time, Kent Whenever you’re ready, there are four ways I can help you… Try the REST Assessment to identify exactly where you are on the burnout scale—from Thriving to Critical—so you can take the next right step. Transform those anxiety-filled, rushed mornings into your foundation for daily success with my course, Win the Morning, Win the Day! Schedule a Discovery Call to find out if executive coaching is for you - for business owners or executives Catalyze your organization - invite me to do a keynote or workshop

#1: Why High Achievers Struggle With Disappointment (And What to Do About It)

By Kent Murawski • August 21, 2025

51 degrees. 10 weeks out from my knee surgery, I am only able to bend my knee 51 degrees when it should be 90. I thought I'd be playing golf by now—instead, I'm scheduling my second surgery. Due to a buildup of scar tissue, I will need to have arthroscopic lysis of adhesions and closed manipulation. Translation: general anesthesia, a ⅜ inch incision, remove the excess scar tissue with an arthroscopic cutting device, and then manually bend my knee to 90 degrees. Fun-wow. My initial reaction was one of shock, anger, sadness, confusion, disappointment, and a profound sense of hopelessness. Since then, I’ve accepted it, found a new physical therapist, and moved on. But I’m still not happy about it. When was the last time you got news that made you want to punch a wall? Initially, after hearing the news of a second surgery, that’s how I felt—angry, sad, devastated, and hopeless. My honest fear was What if my leg never fully heals? But here's what I’ve learned about handling life's curveballs. Someone really needs to hear this. Why High Achievers Struggle Most with Disappointment It can be tough to work through bad news—especially for high achievers who highly value progress and productivity. We are often hardest on ourselves, and it’s easy to get stuck if we are always measuring forward against an ideal rather than backward from the place where we started. One thing we rarely do is allow ourselves time to grieve and process disappointments. The grief process isn't just for death—it applies to every loss, including business failures, missed promotions, health setbacks, and relationship disappointments. In the face of my disappointing news, I took 24 hours to mope, grieve, express my anger, and then move to acceptance. With less consequential setbacks, decide how long you need to grieve (sometimes you may not know, but you can always add time if need be), and then move on. Here's what most leaders miss: Before acceptance comes an acknowledgment of pain and loss. Professor Terry Wardle wisely said, "Life is a series of ungrieved losses. Every loss in life demands an appropriate season of grieving. Loss is meant to be grieved, and when we fail to grieve losses, that loss internalizes." Without taking time to grieve, you will be tempted to keep going back there because you didn’t properly grieve it in the first place. But grieving isn’t just a solitary act; it involves other people. Professor Wardle goes on to say, “Grieving loss begins with finding a safe environment with people who are non-condemning, empathetic, who are confidential, and who finally give you the permission to say what’s inside and say it like it is.” In my case, that happened with my family, a few close friends, and my counselor. Who are your safe people when disappointment hits? The Hidden Cost of Staying Stuck Staying too long in your grief can also be damaging, leading to bitterness, cynicism, and perpetual disappointment—the leadership killers that destroy confidence, teams, and marriages. But how do you know when it’s time to move on? With less consequential things, it’s usually a choice, but the greater the grief, the longer the process, especially when it involves other people. You'll know you've processed it properly when you can talk about the disappointment without your chest tightening, when you can make decisions about your future without that loss controlling your choices. No, I’m still not happy about it, but taking time to grieve has helped me accept my second surgery and move on. Since it can’t be changed, my only choice is to face it head-on and prepare mentally and physically. Your REST Check Most high achievers simply push through disappointment and get back to work, but the truth is that unprocessed grief can become internalized bitterness, which will ultimately sabotage your life and leadership. If you skip the grieving process, you'll carry that disappointment into every relationship, every future decision, every team meeting, every strategic planning session. But if you give yourself permission to properly grieve, you'll develop emotional resilience. You'll make decisions from wisdom, not fear. You'll become the leader who helps others navigate their setbacks because you've learned to move through your own. Properly processing your grief determines whether setbacks will make you bitter or better. This week's Rhythm of REST : When disappointment hits, give yourself a specific timeframe to feel it fully before moving to acceptance. Twenty-four hours for smaller setbacks, longer for major losses. Find your safe people. Process it properly. What's one disappointment you've been "powering through" that actually needs to be grieved? Until next time, Kent PS - I know I didn’t finish telling you Brandon’s story, but I felt someone needed to hear this. Next time, I’ll share more about Brandon and what Rhythms of REST actually means. Whenever you’re ready, there are three ways I can help you… Transform those anxiety-filled, rushed mornings into your foundation for daily success with my Win the Morning, Win the Day! Minicourse Schedule a Discovery Call to find out if executive coaching is for you - for business owners or executives Catalyze your organization - invite me to do a keynote or workshop Sources How the Five Stages of Grief Can Help Process a Loss , Very Well Mind 5 Stages of Grief: How to Cope with Loss , West Georgia Wellness Center CNLP 309: Terry Wardle on Why So Many Leaders Cave Under the Pressures of Leadership, Why Leaders Implode Morally, and How to Grieve Your Leadership Losses

#0: From Catalyst to REST - Why I'm Switching Gears

By Kent Murawski • August 20, 2025

Brandon, a successful CEO of an education company, hadn't taken a day off in years. The company was doing fine—growing revenue, adding new accounts, and preparing to sell. But when we first talked, he couldn't remember a thought walking from one room to the next. Until we started working together. 2-3 months later, he went from working 12-15 hours per day to 2-4 hours per day. Today, he is a different person. Here's what I've learned from Brandon and dozens of other high achievers: The problem isn't that you're not productive enough. The problem is you're running a marathon at sprint pace, and your body, relationships, clarity, and joy are paying the price. You don't need another productivity hack. You need sustainable rhythms. That's why I'm shifting this newsletter from Catalyst to something more focused: Rhythms of REST . Every other Sunday, I'll share what I'm learning about how successful people actually sustain their success without burning out. Real frameworks. Real stories. Real results like Brandon's. Then during off weeks, I'll check in to see how it's going. If you're already subscribed, you're good to go. Just watch for Rhythms of REST starting this Sunday, August 24, 2025. Because here's the thing—you can keep pushing until something breaks, or you can learn to move differently. Brandon chose differently. His company didn't suffer—it thrived. He's no longer overwhelmed and anxious. His faith has grown tremendously. And his workload feels more than manageable. What would be possible if you chose differently, too? Hit reply and tell me: What's one thing you'd do if you had 8 extra hours in your week? I read every response. Until next time, Kent

3 Ways to Master Summer Without Burning Out

By Kent Murawski • July 28, 2025

When was the last time you ended a summer feeling more energized than when it started? Summer brings changes for many of us—minimizing our motivation to work, disrupting work routines, and altering schedules. With summertime often comes a desire to slow down, and yet, we're not always sure how to do that. This week is my last new post for a little while (though I may resend some popular posts from the 2024-2025 season). I’m pressing pause to create space and pour my energy into finishing my new book. But stay tuned—when I’m back in six weeks, the newsletter will be refreshed with some exciting updates you won’t want to miss! Read to the end to find out more. In this week's edition of Catalyst, I want to share 3 ideas to help you effectively navigate summer. 3 Ways to Master Summer Without Burning Out 1) Stop and Think (Reflect) Socrates famously said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." For Socrates, life was more than pursuing the things that most men occupy themselves with, things like wealth, household affairs, status and position, and political clubs and factions. He believed that life only has value and meaning when we question what we think and know, and by more deeply understanding ourselves and others. The beginning of summer is an ideal time for reflection, and we all tend to occupy ourselves with the things Socrates talked about more than we probably care to admit. Taking a reflection day at the end of each quarter (consider removing "or trimester" for conciseness) can be an effective way to navigate seasonal changes. Finding a place far enough removed from your normal day-to-day life will help you get into a different headspace. A friend of mine often says: Change of pace + change of place = change of perspective. I've used hotels, monasteries, or even a beautiful outdoor location if the weather permits. Here are a few questions you might want to ask: How am I feeling spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically? How are my closest relationships doing? Am I living out my core values? Is my life moving in a direction I feel good about? What do I need to change or adjust? Here are a few ideas for how to conduct a reflection day: Prayer, meditation, or silence Review your biggest wins and assess your goals from the previous quarter Work on high-impact projects that require focus Preview the upcoming quarter and set your Big 3 goals: personal, marriage/family, work/business 2) Cut the Non-Essentials (Reevaluate) Both my wife and I work, so when summer arrives, we need to re-evaluate our schedules to accommodate our twelve-year-old son. In the past, I've made the mistake of trying to keep the same workload despite being home with him two days a week. I ended up frustrated all summer long, living in the tension of wanting to spend more time with him while trying to carry the same workload. Summer requires me to pare down my work roles to the essentials: Writing (currently working on a new book) Executive coaching (6-8 coaching clients) Relationship building and outreach Necessary administration (keeping this to 30% or less of my responsibilities) Moving forward, I will probably keep things this way. It feels more sustainable than the unrealistic expectations I previously held myself to. Once you define your key roles and responsibilities, the question becomes how to achieve better work-life integration not work-life balance. I use the Big 3 System. Choose only three big things to focus on at one time—quarterly, weekly, and daily. That's right, just three. Those three things are usually a combination of personal, marriage/family, and work. Each quarter, I typically choose 1 personal goal, 1 marriage and family goal, and 1-3 work goals, depending on the quarter. Here are a few questions to consider. If you have a partner, discuss them together: How does your schedule change in the summer? What work-related responsibilities and expectations do you need to adjust? What are 3 things you want to do this summer? What do you NOT want to do? 3) Choose What Matters Most (Rest) Paring down expectations isn't only for work, it applies to rest, too. Because it's summer, there is the temptation to want to fit in everything (—vacation, visit family, trips, fun, etc). In the past, we would try to do so much that by the time fall rolled around, we were exhausted. Last year, out of necessity, we planned a staycation instead of going away. It was one of the best vacations we've had in a long time. And besides, summers in New England are gorgeous! We went to see a movie, ate out, went to Six Flags, had a beach day, and took days in between just to relax. We loved it so much, we're doing a staycation again this year! Write down your list of summer expectations and plans. Now, cross out everything that feels exhausting and unfun. Don't try to fit everything in this summer. Pick a couple of things that feel life-giving and focus on those. Your Move Reflect. Re-evaluate. Rest. Choose one of the three and work on it in the next 24 hours. Plan a day of reflection. Have a conversation with your spouse. Choose how you're going to rest this summer. I don't care which one it is, just take action. Here’s one question to consider: What would you stop doing this summer if no one was watching? Most people think summer is about maximizing experiences and fitting everything in, but the truth is that the most productive leaders use summer to strategically subtract, not add. They understand that rest isn't what you do after the work is done—it's what makes the work sustainable in the first place. You've got this.

Person with hand on face, sitting at a wooden table in a room, appearing sad.

Why you're exhausted before fall even arrives...

By Kent Murawski • July 23, 2025

Boy dribbling a basketball; wearing orange shirt, shorts, and shoes.

Crisis Creates Clarity

By Kent Murawski • May 26, 2025

“Should I end this?” were the last words I said before collapsing to the ground in excruciating pain. The only thing I ended that day was my basketball career ⛹️! On Sunday, May 18, 2025, I ruptured my patella tendon playing basketball with my boys. We were playing a game of P.I.G., and it was […]

‘When You Hurry, You No Longer Care’: A Wake-Up Call from the Monastery

By Kent Murawski • May 16, 2025

“You’re not going to become a monk, are you?” My wife asked me this after I excitedly returned from a week-long retreat to a Trappist monastery and my growing fascination with monastic rhythms. The obvious answer is no, since I’m neither single nor celibate It began the previous week when my twelve-year-old son and I […]

Man standing next to a silver Ferrari convertible in a parking lot on a sunny day.

The View from 50

By Kent Murawski • May 7, 2025

I always thought the big decisions were what shaped my life trajectory, but my 50th birthday celebration revealed something way more interesting—it’s actually the tiny, everyday choices that determine where you ultimately end up. It was the most meaningful birthday I’ve ever had. Fair warning, this is a long one, but it will be worth […]

The Productive Power of Strategic Pauses

By Kent Murawski • March 19, 2025

Your capacity to recognize when to pause may be more valuable than knowing when to push. Lately, I haven’t had anything to write, which is a rare occurrence. Sure, I could try to pound something out or pull some unused content out of the archives (which I have tons of), but here’s what I’ve discovered: […]

How Are You? (The Success Predictor)

By Kent Murawski • March 6, 2025

How are you? Your answer to this question reveals more about your future success and well-being than any strategic plan. We often wear busyness as a badge of honor. Ask ten people how they are doing, and nine out of ten times the answer will be, “busy.” That’s not the way things ought to be. […]