In light of it being pastor appreciation month, I thought this might be helpful. Is there a right way to leave a church? It’s an interesting question and one I’ve pondered for years. As a congregant who left a few churches and now as a pastor leading a church, I’ve stood on both sides of the issue: Neither is easy nor fun. It should be noted, as a congregant who was moving on, I left the way I am suggesting to you.
Let me also acknowledge that there are times when it is an extremely unhealthy situation and you may need to exit a church as quickly as possible. Those are not the situations I am primarily addressing in this post. In this post, my goal is to share with you how to leave a normal or healthy church the right way. After all, there are no perfect churches.
As a pastor, I’ve seen many people leave the church in damaging ways, leaving a trail of hurt on their way out. The unvarnished truth from my perspective is this:
There are far more people that leave a church the wrong way than the right way.
Leaving a church…the right way
1) Pray intently. This is (or at least should be) a big decision, and the best decisions always start in prayer. Ask God for wisdom and His will. In an important decision such as this, I always ask God to confirm His will in a way that makes it clear. Invite God to reveal any motives or hurts that may be hidden in your heart. Ask yourself some honest questions: Is there unresolved hurt or conflict? What prompted this decision? Psalm 139 is a great way to pray. It says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24 NKJV).
2) Think through your reasoning. If you can’t articulate good reasons for leaving, there may not be one. I’ve heard a lot of shallow reasons over the years for people leaving. Here are some of them.
- God told me so. There may be occasions when God tells you to make a decision like this without telling you why but it’s not the norm. “God told me so” shuts the door on conversation that could actually be helpful to both parties. If God really told you so, you should be able to field some questions without it swaying you. Did God really tell you so or is it just an excuse so you don’t have to have a real conversation with a real person and explain yourself? Better to be honest and say, “I just don’t want to be here anymore.” At least that’s honest.
- I’m not getting fed here. This is usually a poor excuse that doesn’t hold water. A good pastor will lead you to green pastures not spoon feed you. Furthermore, if you are expecting Sundays to be your sole meal for the week you are more immature than you think. Imagine if you only ate one physical meal per week! You would be malnourished and emaciated. The same goes for you spiritually. You can’t eat once a week and expect to be overflowing. Case in point: I once had a young man come to me to tell me he was leaving. His reason? You got it – he was not getting fed. He went on to explain that in his last church, every Sunday was like a steak dinner. He claimed to be eating “solid food” and yet had some major character issues in his life. For the amount of time he had been a Christian, he was very immature. Sunday is an appetizer. What you do Monday through Saturday on your own time and in your own spiritual life determines how well you are fed. Part of growing up in the Lord is learning to feed yourself. No person can do it for you. A shepherd’s job is to lead you to green pasture, not eat for you.
- The church is too small, or too big, or too in between. I’m not going to elaborate on this one but some people just aren’t happy with any church. There is always some reason why they can’t stay.
- I’ve been here for a while and I just need a change. Churches, like life, ebb and flow, have high tide and low tide, experience exciting times and boring times. Just because it seems to be a stagnant or unexciting season, doesn’t always mean it’s time to leave. Our consumer culture has left us with an insatiable appetite for the next best thing. God describes the church as a family. That doesn’t mean you can never leave (sometimes kids grow up and leave the nest), that just means you should treat it like you would a healthy family.
- Here’s my favorite: people just disappear without ever telling you why. This one is the hardest to figure out. Someone is coming faithfully and seems to be growing and enjoying themselves and then one day they just disappear for no apparent reason and “forget” to tell you. You are left scratching your head. Even when you reach out in some way to ask them why, many times you never get a response.
3) Seek wise counsel. Before making important decisions, it is to your benefit to involve a few other people who are mature in their faith. A trusted friend, mentor, and even someone outside the situation will help you discern your motives and ask the right questions. It’s for your safety. It takes humility to seek wise counsel. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Proverbs 12:15 ESV). You want someone who will give you Biblical wisdom and honest feedback. A wise counselor won’t try to make a decision for you, but will simply give their honest input about what they are seeing and hearing, guide you according to Biblical wisdom, and let you decide. If after praying and talking to a few people you still feel the same way, proceed to the next step…
4) Set up a meeting with someone from the church leadership team before making your final decision. If a letter or email will better clarify your reasons for leaving, that can be helpful, but not in lieu of a face-to-face meeting. Here’s what I would suggest: Set up the meeting first, then let them know you have a letter or email that will better prepare them for the meeting.
Please don’t leave a church by sending an email or text. This lacks integrity.
If you are a part of a small church, you can probably just set up a meeting with the pastor. In a larger church, it may be another staff pastor or your small group leader you meet with. Why do I recommend speaking with them before you make your decision? Because they may have some insight about your situation you haven’t yet considered. Remember, their God-given mandate is to “watch out for your soul” (Hebrews 13:17). A good pastor/leader won’t try to talk you into staying if they feel the Lord is moving you on or if your motives seem wise and right. They want God’s best for you. They realize you don’t belong to them. You belong to the Lord and He can move you as He sees fit. At the same time, they may save you from unnecessary hardship. Many times, the enemy is at work in these situations to bring isolation, confusion, and hurt. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy but Christ came to give us abundant life (John 10:10). A good pastor desires the abundant life of Christ for you.
5) Don’t go in with guns blazing. If you need to vent about all your frustrations, vent to someone before you get there. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It’s easier to have a productive conversation if you are not angry from the get go. I like to use the encouragement sandwich when I have hard things to say to people. It is simple – encourage, say the hard thing, encourage again. Before you go into a hard meeting, ask yourself:
- What have I learned from this person?
- What am I thankful for about this church and this person?
- What has God done in my life since being here? How have I grown?
While there may be some hard things to say, say them with grace. It’s easy for people to forget that pastors are people too. Not only are they dealing with their own issues, they are dealing with the issues of other people too. Here’s a secret that will help you: It’s always personal for a pastor. I have sat with many people who start by saying, “this isn’t personal.” While I understand they feel that way, please know that for a pastor it’s always personal. Any pastor worth his or her salt will tell you so. It always hurts, even when it’s done with the right motives and for the right reasons. Many times we’ve invested time, energy and love into the person that is leaving. That makes it hurt even more. We wouldn’t be human if it didn’t hurt.
6) Plan an adequate transition period. Depending on your level of involvement, you may need to help the church transition. If you are a member or leader this is even more imperative. Many members and leaders start well but don’t finish well, not realizing there is a hole created by their departure. It is partially your responsibility to help the transition be as smooth as possible. A responsible person wouldn’t leave a job without giving adequate notice. How much more should we respect the house of God? It takes a mature person to stay a little longer in order to help transition things, but it’s worth it. For your own integrity and for the health of the church, be a good finisher. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if at all possible, don’t leave until you’ve trained someone to replace you.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, you will feel better about yourself when you leave a church with integrity. Never forget, we are the body of Christ. Regardless of the church you find yourself in, we are all members of one another. When one hurts, we all hurt. And you never know, you just might find yourself wanting to come back to that church one day or needing to call on those people again. It’s better to leave a good taste in their mouths than a bad one.
