[#15] The friends you need before you need them (Why Every Leader Needs Two Close Friends)
“There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship.”
Thomas Aquinas, philosopher and theologian, paraphrase of original quote
The right relationships give us wings. The wrong ones sink us. You can trace nearly every consequential thing that's happened in your life – good or bad – to a relationship.
That’s especially true when it comes to friendships.
Throughout high school, we went through a very challenging season with my daughter. She gave me permission to share this. Over three years, she was admitted to psychiatric facilities four separate times for suicidality. It was a tumultuous time for her and a harrowing time for us as parents. I hope we never have to relive it. Thankfully, she is doing well, has a full-time career, is going to college in the spring, and hasn’t had an episode in several years.
During one particularly intense two-week period after her second hospitalization, my two closest friends were in constant communication with me. They reached out to me almost daily to check in and offer support. It was a great strength and support to know I had people in my corner.
Most leaders I work with don't lack ambition, discipline, or work ethic. What they lack is someone who will call them on their blind spots and still be in their corner the next day.
R: Relational Rhythms
In the RHYTHMS OF REST℠ framework, R stands for Relational Rhythms: fostering deep connections that energize rather than drain you.
There are 3 types of relational connections I consider vitally important:
- Your inner circle – Your partner and close friendships*
- Coaches, counselors, and mentors who call out in you what you can't see
- Your community or tribe – a group of people where you belong.
Each letter in REST has what I call a keystone rhythm. One that, when implemented, begins a chain reaction and drives change across multiple areas. Today I want to focus on our inner circle, and in particular, a connection that often gets crowded out by work and family responsibilities: close friendships.
The leaders I coach have little opportunity to cultivate close friendships. And when they do have an opportunity to be a part of a group where they might develop these friendships, they are often looked to to fill a leadership vacuum.
A complex leadership role, family responsibilities, and little time for leisure mean close friendships often disappear, and studies have shown loneliness is linked to burnout among leaders.
Leaders often ask, “What about my spouse or my dog?”
Your spouse may be your best friend, and dogs are wonderful companions. But dogs do not substitute for human beings, and one person cannot carry the full weight of your emotional needs. Healthy adults need close friends outside their marriage or partnership.
Studies show that having at least two close friends outside of your spouse is associated with higher levels of life satisfaction, self-esteem, and lower levels of depression. It’s simply unhealthy for one person to fill every emotional role in a relationship.
What do I mean by close friendships?
Real friends aren’t impressed by you…
At this point, we need to differentiate between “Real Friends” and “Deal Friends,” as social scientist Arthur Brooks pointed out in his book From Strength to Strength. One day, while just setting off to fish with his son, he received an important call from the head of a large foundation that he needed to take. They exchanged niceties for a few minutes and then got down to business. Afterward, his son asked who it was, and Arthur answered, “A friend.” His son asked, “Was this a real friend or a deal friend?” He went on, “You don’t have many real friends. You know lots of important people, and you do each other favors. Those are deal friends, not real friends.”
Leaders need people who can say hard things to them without judgment. People who love them genuinely but aren't impressed by their accomplishments. Most leaders think they need more people around them, but actually what they need is people who love them for who they are, not what they’ve accomplished, and aren’t impressed by them.
As more people fill the gap with AI, the leader with real friends who tell them the truth will have an edge few others have.
Your spouse, your kids, and the people you lead all benefit when you take time to develop a few close friendships that energize you rather than drain you. In turn, your family gets someone who brings home more than scraps.
Your RHYTHMS Check
If your calendar is full and so is your house, a new friendship can feel like one more thing on the list. But having people around isn’t the same as having people you can lean on. Leaders have plenty of people around them and very few they can say the hard stuff to. So, let’s take a moment to put names to those relationships:
If something went sideways this week, who are the two people you would call (other than your spouse or partner), and when did you last talk with either of them?
In the next 24 hours, text at least one of them something like this, "Haven't seen you in a while, would love to catch up. Here are some dates that work for me.” Put a date on the calendar within 14 days if possible. That one text is how you become a leader with people in your corner before you need them.
Until next time,
Kent
P.S. Know anyone who would enjoy my writing? Send this link »
Whenever you're ready, there are four ways I can help you...
- Take the RHYTHMS OF REST℠ Assessment. In under 3 minutes, you'll know which of your four rhythms is out of sync and the one move to make this week. Free.
- Book an Assessment Debrief. A 45-minute one-on-one coaching session with me. We go over your assessment results together and build the plan for your weakest rhythm.
- Work with me: 1:1 Executive coaching and Group coaching for founders, owners, and executives ready to rebuild how they lead, at work and at home. Apply to see if it's a fit.
- Bring this to your team. Keynotes and workshops for leadership teams, conferences, and CEO peer groups.
Sources
If you’re struggling with suicidality, visit 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the US.
*The three subcategories in Relational Rhythms were originally inspired by Dunbar’s Number. Some of you may be wondering why your children weren’t listed in the inner circle. While your children may be among the people you love most, young children generally aren’t the people you turn to for help carrying adult problems. Dunbar’s innermost circle—roughly five people—is often called the “support clique”: the people closest to you, particularly those you would turn to during serious emotional, social, or financial distress. It can include your partner, family members and close friends. https://www.kentmurawski.com/rhythms-of-life-4
Brooks, A. C. (2022). From strength to strength: Finding success, happiness, and deep purpose in the second half of life. Portfolio.
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