[#11] Balance Won't Fix Your Burnout (but this might)
The grind that got you there is killing you.
Earlier this year, the CEO of a large global company paused midway through a discussion on talent and said, 'We have a problem. Burnout is becoming a real issue.' He went on to explain that the people struggling weren't average performers. They were the organization's most experienced and capable leaders, the ones the company was counting on to move into its most senior roles, and they were disengaging and stalling out. 'We are losing momentum at exactly the point we need it most,' he said.
I find that ridiculous. It's not becoming a real issue; it has already been an issue for years.
You scaled hard for the better part of a decade, and somewhere in your forties, the responsibilities of life and the weight of leadership are crushing you. You're wondering how long you can keep all the plates spinning. You promised to be home for dinner but forgot. You had planned to make it to your kids' game, but couldn't. Rest seems like an impossibility, and even when you're supposed to be resting, your mind won't stop working the problem. You feel your chest tightening as the anxiety builds, and you're not sure why it's there, but you feel constantly overwhelmed, maybe even on the edge of a panic attack or a breakdown.
Twelve years after I had a full-blown nervous breakdown, and nearing 40, I landed myself right back in the same place. Things had gotten better but incrementally. Life had moved from a three to a five out of ten. Leading a church we had started from scratch and now planning a grand opening, working part-time for an urban youth center, and most importantly, trying to be a good husband and father. I was drowning.
I was at a crossroads: keep pushing and burnout again or let go of control and let the chips fall where they may.
It was a normal Wednesday afternoon, and I had blocked time for some prayer, thought, and reflection. But that day, I had a laundry list of seemingly urgent decisions that needed to be made. As I processed through each item on the list, my anxiety didn’t resolve; it grew until another breakdown felt imminent. That’s when this thought hit me like a Mack truck:
You don’t have to understand or control everything to live from rest.
In that moment, I threw my list to the ground, lay down on the bed, and let go of every burden and every decision I was grasping so tightly. My heart rate slowed, the weight on my chest lifted, and a sublime peace came over me.
The breakthrough wasn’t a system. It was a posture of rest. I had been trying to understand and control everything before I would allow myself to rest.
No more.
That one insight became the foundation for the RHYTHMS OF REST℠ Framework — four cadences a human life runs on, the way a heart runs on four chambers: Relational, Emotional, Spiritual (faith or a philosophy of life), and Tangible.
The illusion of control.
To live from rest, you have to give up something you never really had in the first place: control.
The only real control we have is self-control, and let’s be honest, some of us don’t even have that.
If you have kids, you know what I mean. You can try to control your kids, but it only works for a short while and ultimately backfires. Why?
Because anything other than self-control is an illusion.
Control over your employees, revenue, the economy, and outcomes is an illusion.
What releasing control doesn’t mean.
Releasing control means being intentional about inputs and holding outcomes loosely. It doesn't mean abdicating responsibility, and it isn't 'let go and see what happens.'
I see this constantly with owners and executives in my own coaching practice. The more they fixate on what they can't control, the more the anxiety compounds, and the worse their decisions get.
Releasing control is an open-handed posture that must be chosen again and again.
It's the difference between a team that waits for your sign-off on everything and one that moves in confidence without you in the room.
When a ‘season’ becomes a lifestyle
The rise-and-grind hustle culture had its heyday in the 2010s. It said optimize everything, sleep is for the weak, and squeeze every second out of your workday. It works for a while. Until it doesn’t.
Part of the reason for the change is you’re not the same person anymore, and you’re in a different season of life. You're ten years older, and there’s a good chance you're married with kids. Life has changed and so have you.
You may be starting to notice a change in your cognitive ability, but if not, it’s coming soon.
Arthur Brooks writes about this in his book From Strength to Strength, noting that professional decline in high-skill fields typically begins between the late thirties and early fifties.
Brooks goes on to note two types of intelligence: fluid and crystallized. Fluid intelligence, the ability to reason, think flexibly, and solve novel problems, or just “raw smarts,” diminishes rapidly starting in one’s thirties and forties. It’s the reason why the most common age for great discovery or innovation is one’s late thirties.
Crystallized intelligence, which increases through middle and late adulthood and does not diminish until much later in life, is the ability to use a stock of knowledge learned in the past. Think of a librarian amidst a vast library collection. She knows where to find a book, even if it takes a while.
Youth comes with raw smarts and age with wisdom.
“Work is a priority. It is not the priority.”
In addition to the physical and cognitive changes you are experiencing, your values and priorities are also changing. As Meghan French Dunbar noted in This Isn’t Working, “Yes, work is a priority. It is not the priority.” Over time, you stop idolizing short-term wins and start paying attention to a more sustainable way to work. The leaders who do this well are building decade-long companies, not five-year ones. They do it by treating employees like adults, caring about their lives beyond the paycheck, and building a team culture that wins or loses together.
Valeria, the CEO of FriendsheepⓇ, friend, and coaching client, cared deeply about her employees, but her own pace was unsustainable. As we identified the faulty narrative driving her pace and instituted two new rhythms, she went from working 5–6 nights a week to protecting 2–3 nights off and adding a full day of rest each week. In her own words, "Kent helped me see that rest isn't laziness; it makes me a better leader. I was able to watch a movie on the couch with my family for the first time in months without opening my laptop." In that same stretch, revenue continued to grow as she worked smarter and even had time for herself.
I know what you're thinking. The grind is just a part of building a company, especially in the first few years. I can't afford to slow down right now; my competitors won't, and the two times I tried to pull back, revenue dipped. Like Valeria once did, maybe you believe that rest is laziness and slowing down will cost you growth. Or like many of my clients, you say, 'I don't know how to rest,' or 'I'll rest once I sell the company," or “I will rest when the work is finished.”
In the meantime, you’re sacrificing relationships for success. Your physical health has taken a back seat to quarterly growth. And caffeine-induced energy has replaced replenishing rhythms of sleep and movement.
That might work if you are planning to exit in five years as a shell of a human being or if you're fine building a company that falls apart the moment you step away: no bench, no successor, no one you've trusted enough to hand any real responsibility to. But as we have already discovered, it's not what the most effective and long-lasting companies do.
My prediction: the leaders who don't figure this out in the next five years won't lose their companies outright. They'll lose themselves first. Then they'll lose their best people to the leaders who did, and they'll spend years wondering why.
Or maybe it’s time to admit what was once a season has become a lifestyle.
The grind that got you here will kill you. It might also cost you the people and the life you were trying to build in the first place.
The bill always comes due. Yours is already accruing interest. The only open question left is what will you have to pay it with?
Until next time,
Kent
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